Coming to the end of myself

This is where I find myself quite frequently these days.

The Lord has been allowing me to see just how weak, frail, selfish and anxious I really am.

Seriously?! You think you are going along just fine, and suddenly everything just crumbles down around you. You are left only with yourself. And in my case, that is not all that impressive.

It's wearying to take a long look at yourself and see what's really there lurking beneath the surface. I see how easily satisfied I am by things that do not sustain me. I see my wounds and am connecting the dots and see how I wound others out of those unresolved hurts.

I unfortunately do not embrace confession as a spiritual discipline as often I should. That was made plain to me the other night when I sat with my journal and Scripture (aka my hope) and began to confess. I went on for pages and pages and feel as though I only began to scratch the surface.

I am so thankful for the moments God gives me eyes to see and ears to hear true things. I must know the truth about myself before I can appreciate how great a Savior He is. If my sin is minimal, and my situation less than dire, what do I have to be saved from? If I've got this thing called life down pat, what need have I of Christ's presence, redemption and daily sustenance? If I can modify my behavior and regulate my morality, who needs a radical transformation of the heart?

I long for the days that I consistently abide in Christ and He in me.
I am so thankful for the work that Christ does, not I. If it depended on me, I might as well call it quits. It is He who brings the good works He begins in us to completion!
I am so thankful that His patience does not cease and that He will not give up on me.
I am so grateful that He brings us to the end of ourselves and graciously allows us to be reminded anew of how in need of Him we truly are.

He is the perfect gentleman. He gently shows us the error of our ways. He does not sit with arms crossed waiting to criticize. He enters our mess, chaos, disease, brokenness. He embraces us, forgives, heals, restores and comforts us.

May I share with you what is ministering to me in the deepest parts of my person and getting me through? I am so thankful that we can trust these words to be true!

Psalm 103

¹Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
²Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
³who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
⁴who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
⁵who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

⁶The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
⁷He made known his ways to Moses,
his^L)"> acts to the people of Israel.
⁸The LORD is^M)"> merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
⁹^N)"> He will not always chide,
nor will he^O)"> keep his anger forever.
¹⁰He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward^S)"> those who fear him;
¹²as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
¹³As^U)"> a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
¹⁴For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.

Syllogisms, and such

What are women, but champions of conflicting emotions and cognitions held simultaneously?! Both equally valid too.

I do not imagine that the statements I journal would fit well into a philosophical syllogism. I can picture Dr. Rimm telling me that one or the other of my emotions are valid, but both can't be valid. I believe he may even refer to the law of non-contradiction: the basic law of logic which states that it is not possible for something to be and not be at the same time. Well, Dr. Rimm, just peruse my journal and we'll have ourselves a debate.

Given my logic, perhaps we're both right.

Ode to Tennessee

Earlier this month I got to take an epic road trip with my three closest friends from college. We were caffeinated and on the road by 6:45 am. After a slight navigational slip up, we were well on our way. It was so incredible to be on the open road with nothing between us and the mountains!! We cruised into the breathtaking Smokey Mountains by dinner time.

We stayed in a "primitive cabin" at Shady Oaks Campground, "The Friendly Place".
Upon arrival I had to shout my last name several times to Martha before she could understand what I was saying and find our reservation. Dear Martha. Whilst retrieving our keys, my passengers overheard something to the effect of, "I don't have to go back to jail yet" coming from whom we assumed to be the owner's grandson.

In the movie Sweet Home Alabama when Reese Witherspoon claims that "people need a passport to go down south", she was not lying. The culture was drastically different. We saw many fanny packs on our journey, many full "moons", had difficulty interpreting the native tongue/accents. We learned to keep it simple with our orders at Starbucks, and even then just smile and nod when they handed a drink to us. It's incredible how much "Christianity" is part of the culture down there. You will see many Christian T Shirts right next to underwear that says "I Heart to Fart" on them. The name of Jesus is everywhere, but it was hard not to think the precious name had somehow been derived of its meaning.

On our travels we met very colorful characters. My favorite being Earl. He gave us many moons while "helping" us start a fire by piling empty Budweiser boxes on top of our wood just before we had plans to go out for the night.

My favorite memory with Earl was when he came over (half drunk) to discuss the economic crisis with us when he heard we were city slickers from Chicagaw. He had asked if we'd heard of some prominent factory (that I could not make out the name of through his accent and slurring). "You know, one of those places they make shit to blow up shit". Oh, thank you Earl. That crystallizes it for me. Why didn't you say that in the first place?!

Therefore our tagline for the rest of the trip was, “Tennessee is the shit”.

His wife and sister in law, Wanda and Robin, were our next door neighbors. They knew how to work the scrunchies and leopard print cover ups. They were so generous with us with their time and insisted we borrow their chairs, as we forgot to bring them. They gave us the scoop on the goings on in Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg over the holiday weekend. They were the caretakers of two ingenious, although misbehaved grandchildren. One of their favorite activities was throwing rocks, which they did often and with much fervor. At cars, at the bath house, cabins, and a trashcan. I pity the man who had to empty that heavy trash can.

Some of the highlights of our trip included going on a beautiful hike to Abram's Falls. It took us about 2 hours to actually get to the hike, but gave us a beautiful view of the Smokey Mountain National Park. The main holdup was driving along the Cade's Cove Loop where everyone and their mom drives under 5 mph. Not too strenuous of a hike, but beautiful the whole way up and back. The waterfall at the top and snack break was most welcome to our possey.

When in Tennessee, does as the Tennessee'ns do, right? The trip was full of a few first, namely smoking cloves and cigars. And we found a beer I actually like (Amsetl Light). Things I was formerly repulsed by, but now delightful while sitting around a campfire in the mountains. We adapted quite nicely to the demographic as everyone over the age of 12 was smoking cigarettes and drinking beer before 10:00 am. (Disclaimer: Rachel Monfette, employee of MBI did not participate in above mentioned activities, for the record).

We did not have a bottle opener, but had a trusty nail in the wall that did the trick. Way to go Hanners!!

One day, while visiting historic Gatlinburg, we decided to take a ski lift up a mountain.Very enjoyable.

Other highlights include, but are not limited to:

Cooking on my camping stove.Here we overestimated how much ground beef we would need. Half pound burgers all around.

Watching the 1984 classic with Sarah Jessica Parker and Hellen Keller, er, I mean, Helen Hunt, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

Being in bear infested territory

Putt Putt, Sparklers, Hitting the Outlets
The camping staples: s'mores, hot dogs, grilled cheese, etc.
Chi Fil A!! (one reason to adore the South)

Our trip home from the mountains was not quite as smooth. We hit traffic somewhere in Indiana. Hannah was good to us and entertained us with her reading skills, Junie B Jones Meets Handsome Warren. A literary treasure, I assure you.

It was an amazing trip. I am so thankful that it worked out for all of us to go!! There was much talk of a "next time". I am hoping that this becomes a long standing tradition.