My thoughts toward death are so logical.
My feelings, however, do not share that logical mind.
It’s difficult to grieve because my cognitions are so sensible, and my feelings… not so sensible.
I am thankful to have a dear friend (Rachel) to remind me that grief displays itself in many strange ways. Especially when that “display” involves me making a scene in public at a packed movie theater that ends with popcorn dumped all over the floor. (Story is much better [ridiculous] when shared in person).
Loss is exhausting, painful, makes me want to control things that I can since I can’t control the loss.
My grandma is on her death bed. Saying goodbye is so difficult. So inadequate.
She has lived some nearly 90 years. Has been married to the same feisty man for 60 years. Has loved her family so sacrificially. At the end of her life she feels it has flown by and hopes that she mattered and made a difference.
When someone sends her a card, she reads it over and over and holds it close.
She still perks up, even on her deathbed when she seems unresponsive, when you tell her she is lovely or beautiful.
My grandparents rarely ever talk about feelings. Only in recent days has my grandma ever said the words, “I love you”. It’s a generational thing, I suppose. Or how they were raised. Or my grandpa’s reign in the home.
She still is her same sweet self, wanting to be a burden to no one. We tend to think that growing from youth to adulthood is so difficult. I am convinced that exiting this world much more of a struggle than entering.
My mind says that her pain and suffering will finally be over. She will finally be at rest and with her Savior. I do rejoice at that. But my feelings revolt at the process of dying. Whoever said death was natural was lying. Yes, it will happen to everyone, but it will never feel natural to those observing because it was never supposed to be this way.
I take solace in the knowledge and hope that this too shall be made right. There is One who came to make all things well. He does this daily in restoring our broken places. And one day all will be restored. Hallelujah that death does not have the last word.
1 comment:
Alli, I hurt for you. Not that this is any solace but I have found mourning to be a way of life and not an event. I still lament the death of my grandparents and its been 8 and 9 years ago.
I always think of Matt 11:17 where Jesus tells the parable of children saying to adults in the marketplace "We played the flute for you, and you did not dance; we sang a dirge, and you did not mourn."
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