That Girl...

So, this morning I went to the Starbucks right across from my building with my dear friend at work. When I walked in the doors, out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw someone that looked familiar, but could not put my finger on it.

As we waited in the massive line I realized that it was someone I had gone to school with. He must have come in as a freshman my junior or senior year. We weren't besties, but were at least on a first name basis as he was a regular at the coffee shop I worked at on campus and we had several mutual friends.

While waiting for my drink to be called, I looked and noticed he was with 3 other guys - 2 of them were classmates and friends of mine as well (one in my class and one in the graduating class ahead of me). To be honest, my first instinct was, "don't make eye contact, pretend you did not see them". Followed immediately by, "Come on, Alli. Don't be that girl. Grow up - get over yourself. You were classmates and friends".

So, I walk over and tap one on the shoulder, while smiling at and saying hello to the others. The one I tapped turns around and gives me an awkward hug. The rest half smile, as though I am really imposing and they are so put out by this whole scenario, but aren't they nice for putting up with this girl. So, I back pedal and get awkward - "Oh, so sorry to interrupt, just could not pass up saying hi..." One uses many whispery words to thank me for saying hi (dripping with Christian insincerity), one awkwardly nods and shifts eye contact, and the other two have not looked at me, or breaked in their conversation since I walked up to say hi.

OK, I am pretty surprised. I mean, we did graduate two whole years ago... But, we know each other. We would eat lunch together. Participate in group discussions together in class. We were part of the same community.

Quick, graceful exit. If only...

I can't explain why I seem to be so shaken up by this. Maybe shaken up is a bit dramatic... OK, perhaps it felt like rejection. Perhaps I felt like I was Josie Grossie from Never Been Kissed. OK, now I am really being dramatic!

Either way, I think I am still glad that I swallowed whatever uncomfortableness I anticipated experiencing when I decided to walk over and say hi. It's ironic that I calmed my fears by telling myself that it was irrational just to ignore and pretend I didn't see - after all, we are friends. They'll perceive you as rude and self absorbed to just duck out.

I fear that this could turn into me being the hero and these 4 boys being the villains. That is not my intention in the least! I think it just caused me to think about who I want to be. Which girl I want to be. The one who protects herself and misses out, or the one who puts herself out there and risks rejection.

Maybe this hit on something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. I have community here in Chicago. I have insanely amazing friends here and relationships with people who know me so deeply. It makes me timid when I think of uprooting and moving to a place where I am not known and I have to start over, all while undergoing the biggest transition of my life to date. I think that perhaps my friends and community and routine are my comfort and the prospect of leaving it all and starting from scratch is, well, uncomfortable. Not that I don't want to do it, I am just aware of the work and energy that it takes to build relationships and community and the time it takes to know and be known.

So, now is as good a time as any to continue solidifying who I want to be when I begin this next phase of the journey. Even though I will be the new girl, I want to be open and inviting and offer friendship and extend myself, even if that means I get shifty glances, or ignored completely.

Hmmm, how to wrap this up? Nothing nice and neat and tidy. Here was just a glimpse into a really insignificant interaction -> that stirred up a lot of messy emotions -> and my semi-unrelated-conclusion that followed. -> The end!