That Girl...

So, this morning I went to the Starbucks right across from my building with my dear friend at work. When I walked in the doors, out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw someone that looked familiar, but could not put my finger on it.

As we waited in the massive line I realized that it was someone I had gone to school with. He must have come in as a freshman my junior or senior year. We weren't besties, but were at least on a first name basis as he was a regular at the coffee shop I worked at on campus and we had several mutual friends.

While waiting for my drink to be called, I looked and noticed he was with 3 other guys - 2 of them were classmates and friends of mine as well (one in my class and one in the graduating class ahead of me). To be honest, my first instinct was, "don't make eye contact, pretend you did not see them". Followed immediately by, "Come on, Alli. Don't be that girl. Grow up - get over yourself. You were classmates and friends".

So, I walk over and tap one on the shoulder, while smiling at and saying hello to the others. The one I tapped turns around and gives me an awkward hug. The rest half smile, as though I am really imposing and they are so put out by this whole scenario, but aren't they nice for putting up with this girl. So, I back pedal and get awkward - "Oh, so sorry to interrupt, just could not pass up saying hi..." One uses many whispery words to thank me for saying hi (dripping with Christian insincerity), one awkwardly nods and shifts eye contact, and the other two have not looked at me, or breaked in their conversation since I walked up to say hi.

OK, I am pretty surprised. I mean, we did graduate two whole years ago... But, we know each other. We would eat lunch together. Participate in group discussions together in class. We were part of the same community.

Quick, graceful exit. If only...

I can't explain why I seem to be so shaken up by this. Maybe shaken up is a bit dramatic... OK, perhaps it felt like rejection. Perhaps I felt like I was Josie Grossie from Never Been Kissed. OK, now I am really being dramatic!

Either way, I think I am still glad that I swallowed whatever uncomfortableness I anticipated experiencing when I decided to walk over and say hi. It's ironic that I calmed my fears by telling myself that it was irrational just to ignore and pretend I didn't see - after all, we are friends. They'll perceive you as rude and self absorbed to just duck out.

I fear that this could turn into me being the hero and these 4 boys being the villains. That is not my intention in the least! I think it just caused me to think about who I want to be. Which girl I want to be. The one who protects herself and misses out, or the one who puts herself out there and risks rejection.

Maybe this hit on something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. I have community here in Chicago. I have insanely amazing friends here and relationships with people who know me so deeply. It makes me timid when I think of uprooting and moving to a place where I am not known and I have to start over, all while undergoing the biggest transition of my life to date. I think that perhaps my friends and community and routine are my comfort and the prospect of leaving it all and starting from scratch is, well, uncomfortable. Not that I don't want to do it, I am just aware of the work and energy that it takes to build relationships and community and the time it takes to know and be known.

So, now is as good a time as any to continue solidifying who I want to be when I begin this next phase of the journey. Even though I will be the new girl, I want to be open and inviting and offer friendship and extend myself, even if that means I get shifty glances, or ignored completely.

Hmmm, how to wrap this up? Nothing nice and neat and tidy. Here was just a glimpse into a really insignificant interaction -> that stirred up a lot of messy emotions -> and my semi-unrelated-conclusion that followed. -> The end!

New Blog

Hi Followers (that sounds cheesy, or cult-like),

I have started a new blog! It's barely up and running, but something I am very excited about!

Please check it out:

http://secondhandlivinginstyle.blogspot.com/

Words to live by

One of my good friends, Leah DesGeorges, sent this to me at work today. I met Leah through a mutual friend (who now lives in Detroit) who brought Leah to book club. That's how we became friends. She now lives in Denver and I get to be reunited with her very soon! It's amazing how God provides for us in ways we least expect.

That said, I had to share these words of truth and encouragement with you. Oh, I should also mention that Leah works for the same company that I do in which we sell "financial security" to our clients. This was a welcome reminder to both of us!

To be a child of God means to go hand-in-hand with God, to do his will, not one’s own; to place all our hopes and cares in his hands and no longer be concerned about one’s self or future. Thereupon rest the freedom and the good cheer of the child of God. Yet how few of the truly devout, or even those truly heroic and willing to make sacrifices, possess them. They always go around bowed down under the heavy burden of their worries and responsibilities. They are all familiar with the parable of the birds in the sky and the lilies of the field [Matt 6:26-34; Luke 12:24-31]. But whenever they encounter anyone who has no means, nor income, no insurance, and is none the less unconcerned about the future, then they shake their head, completely baffled… Trust in God will remain unshakably firm only if one is willing to accept from the Father’s hand anything and everything. He is the only one who knows what is good for us… If this can be done, then one can freely live on for the present and for the future.

- Edith Stein (St. Teresa Benedict of the Cross)

Humbled

A much needed reminder this morning from Ephesians.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Ephesians 4:29

Ups and Downs

Got yelled at by an angry woman whilst I was running down the stairs to catch the El - Negative points.

Starbucks boy calls me by name and had drink waiting for me when I got to the register and waved to me on my way out - Move forward two spaces.

Boss is back from week long vacation, so my phone has been ringing quite a bit - Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Figured out my class schedule for registration next Monday. It's color coded and I have highlighted my ideal selections - Plus 3 points.

A young troubled man was trying to get my attention by staring me down and shouting "come on" (Lord knows why) for 20 minutes on the El during my commute home. Pretended to be throroughly engrossed in my podcast and Blackberry... Ooo baby, it's a wild world - No points.

Today's mix consists of Simon & Garfunkel, John Denver and Joni Mitchell - Assign your own points, plus or minus, depending on your own tastes.

Realized yesterday that I only have 77 days left in Chicago before moving to Denver - Plus so many points for moving to the mountains. - Deduct a moderate amount for leaving this blessed city behind.

The sun has been shining and spring is finally here. - Plus infinite bonus points!!!

All Coming Together

I feel as though I have been in a holding pattern when it comes to Denver. I have done as much as I can for the time being, but have needed to just wait until the right time to finish taking care of the details. It feels as though things are slowly starting to pick back up again.

I just told my boss last week what my last day would be. That was a conversation I was dreading for months before it actually took place. Bless the man for choosing to be happy for me and support this decision. All while affirming my time here the last (almost) 2 years. This has also been wonderful because now I have the freedom to tell my coworkers where I am going and what I plan to do. It has been so encouraging to hear them affirm this next step as well.

I just worked out my class schedule (I think) and am geeking out about getting to be a student again. I am sure it won't be long until the day I am bemoaning papers and being cooped up in a library, but for now I am nearly giddy at just reading the class descriptions. Some of you reading this can guess what I am going to say next... I finally get to go school supply shopping again!!! I have missed that dearly each August while wandering the aisles of Target. Now I will have a legitimate reason to buy new pens and crisp notebooks. Yes, I am a nerd. And, I love it!

All of the financial stuff comes through in the next few days/weeks. There are several major changes as far as financial aid goes, but April is the month that they're supposed to send us all of the information. I applied for a few scholarships. God knows what I have need of, so I wait patiently to see what happens with that.

My one unknown right now is finding an apt. I like to think that if I was closer to Denver, it would be so much easier (control, control, control) instead of just trusting that it will all be just fine. I know that the Lord has it all taken care of. I just need to rest in that it will all work out and I can’t add to that by worrying or stressing about finding the perfect place. He knows what I have need of and I need to start living like I truly believe that.

Perhaps things all feel like they are coming together because of spring's arrival. It makes such an enormous impact on my whole being when the winter is gone and spring and newness and warmth have finally won! Perhaps that's propelled me to look forward.

That and my dad calls me the two digit midget. It's a term from his army days. He told me that when the days you have left to serve overseas reach double digits, they call you a two digit midget and everyone goes out to celebrate.

I am just 83 days (and counting) away from the big move to Denver. I am sure that it will seem like the time passes in just one blink. There is so much I want to do in this blessed city and experience with my cherished friends before my exit date arrives... How to fit it all in and find time for solitude and rest?!

Prayers appreciated through the next 3 months and beyond.

Spoiler Alert

Sarah and I decided we should take in more films, a good decision.

We love to go see what's at the $3 theater just a few block from us, a good decision

We watched The Hurt Locker, also a good decision.

We decided to watch Dear John, a terrible decision.

What were we thinking? I blame it on the fact we had not seen any previews and occasionally like to indulge in dumb chic flicks (The Proposal, Leap Year, Legally Blond, etc.).

Because I wish to save you from experiencing Dear John, I have provided a synopsis below:

Savanna, and John fall in love over spring break. They vow to write each other constantly while he is serving in the army and she is in undergrad.

Enter 9/11. He signs up for an additional year of duty. All she has to do is wait while she is in college (what else is she going to do?).

BUT, she out and out marries someone who is her dad’s age (a family friend) because she could not wait a few more months for him (John) to get back from war.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?

Did I mention her reason for marrying the old guy (we find out later) is that he was sick with cancer and she wanted to take care of him and his autistic son?? She could not just be a neighbor and support the family friends, her solution was getting engaged to him and sending a letter to John 2 months later informing him that she was engaged and their relationship was over. Yes, silence for 2 months and then cuts him off while he is at war!

Can we say SOAP OPERA anyone??

And THEN we’re supposed to feel sorry for her because she didn’t know what she was doing and regrets it and then basically tries to cheat on her dying husband 6 years later when she sees John again (complete with a scene of her changing her shirt in front of him so he can see her goodies).

Thankfully he flees that lion’s den… Only to sell his late father’s coin collection for an enormous fortune to anonymously pay for an experimental drug to prolong her husband’s life (soap opera, soap opera).

Then he dies, she writes him yet another letter…

The movie ends when he is walking down a boardwalk (complete with a goatee and is wearing a see through linen shirt) and she is sipping a latte in a café. They meet happenstance, run and hug and credits roll.

The end!